YUM.

thoughts are escaping my mind, because someone took some pliers and ‘accidentally’ cut the fence open. but it’s alright. i guess the thoughts will wander elsewhere and breathe a new life at the oxygen bar. you see, they’ve been trying to escape all winter, but after some bad education, they learned how to obey. trying to take a life of their own, they fail; they only obey. For this instinct, when taught correctly, can lead to new avenues of corruption which bring about the most unimaginable luxuries that only the experienced can withhold. Once touched, they clamp and seep into you, the very heart of you, until they are a part of you. you realize only when it’s too late, and that is when you must accept and partake for fear of being discovered.

It’s not always rainbows and butterflies…

If I could come anytime i wanted to, i would have come a million times. I know the door is open. I know where. And yet I always get lost. You see? I get confused which door it is… the door to our room, the door to my car, the door to your heart, or maybe just the door of the reflection in the blotchy mirror, because of course the mirror is blotchy, not me, never me.

Breathing is something I have learned to do over the years. It’s a challenge, for sometimes I can’t find my lungs under my coat, under my shirt, undershirt, bra, skin, muscle, blood… I know it’s there.. my heart that is, and it is my heart learning to breathe, in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep, I feel it escape and enter a world that is just unimaginable, where the rainbows are rainbows, and the pot of gold never disappears…

Enough. Enough of building myself up. I’m tired and I don’t want to anymore. I’m tired, don’t you understand? I wish I could just disappear… or that some child can start reassembling the legos that I am standing on, at least they would be falling apart for a reason, and I could watch, laugh, and maybe even teach them a lesson on the art of block building.. that is if I knew how.

Emptiness. I feel empty. Vacant. I wish something could come inside me so that it could clean the dust balls from my ears and toes. Its just that I haven’t really thought about anything in my life for the past 21 1/2 years. I want to think but I forgot how. All I have is those around me, guiding me, loving me, making me stronger than I think I am. That’s all I got. I fill my head with cotton candy and let all thoughts absorb, than pull them out and eat them, then shit them out. I have too many thoughts, you see, too many to count, that would be a waste of time (sigh) just better to shit them out. auto pilot bitch. and i’ll go smoke that cigar thank you.

you. have no idea what you do to me. what you do for me. what you do with me. because of me. how you make me feel. you will never know. I am too complex, and i wish you could understand how much i love you. how every overreaction is a demonstration of my love. how i fear. how i miss. how i am. how i just am. just just am. am. they say you don’t know what you love until you lose that love, but all you have to do is imagine that loss, and then multiply that feeling infinitely. But my dear dear boy, i have already lost myself in your eyes.

tears. i think tears are just thoughts that didn’t make it down that yellow brick road, that have to roll down that road of talking heads in order to comfort their dry parched lips that have not tasted for many a moon. They are merely confused, speechless, and therefore salty. They talk through their taste and quietly disappear into the freckles at the corner of your mouth.

The humidity from my hands turns my face into a steamer.  It is your fault.  Anger flows through my veins at the thought of your undying desire to walk around with a quite content mask.  A mask which will be donned til the end of your life if you keep reattaching it every dawn.  Discovering yourself is not the answer, rather acceptance is the key.  Is it such a tumultuous task to take criticism from your apparent peers? Or is it the task that lays abandoned at that fork in the road, knowing it has been left for dead.  Quite disheartening is your passion and pitiful your approach.  Can you not be satisfied and remove that hideous mask?  Just be careful your face does not tear off in the process..

I search for silence but only find this drone of your murmurs bombarding my mind where entering by ear they are found by a life a truth and love thought once found and corrupted by the evil of love at its purest that blinded by the light it sat down and cried as the pieces of the fragmented soul start to crawl away from eachother wanting nothing at all to do with this real world of deception and grudge, confusion you melt me like ice melting sun where the coldness envelops all possible light, even that glimmer of hope deep inside that’s starting to fade yet still holds on to the dying grasp for fear of moving on. Drop little tear, and find your way through the weakness that is hidden by the strength of the accustomed shell of illusion. Hide and reveal not what is inside, for that is the only way to survive.

As quick as a snake’s bite, twice have i been deceived this week. Amazing isn’t it. The capability of the human mind to be fucked with over and over again without any recompense except the bitterness of realizing you’re just a toy. A toy that is loved beyond measure for love has no bounds, except those imposed like leashes. Surrendering in this moment of weakeness, I have temporarily been conquered until the bruises on my neck heal from the everlasting struggle. But no. not again. I will fight to my death until the leash be broken and I can fly. For love no longer holds me prisoner. I hold love. I spill it all over my body until it covers me, eats me, seeps into my veins. Screaming with pleasure, I realize my own takeoff onto the long forgotten path of self love, a path that will make all the difference.

taking your precious entity into my fingers, i watch you bleed like no other. i crush you with my lips to see the pain i am capable of causing, but almost never do. For watching the blood run into a pre-carved path forming a heart, shadows my wishes to be me. oh how smooth its course, but the course of love never did run so smooth. i’ve taken a liking to your words of pain and misunderstanding, ringing joyously in my ears, affirming my hypothesis of survival one day one day one motherfucking day when the world will be flat soul free cocoon destruction apples and oranges and cats of the night carpe diem and never look back. the bittersweetness of your blood lasts but a moment on my tongue. you cease to speak. it is finished. and your blood is mine no longer for it has dried up in the sun and evaporated only to follow me in a silent haunting stream. so i graciously thank you for your fickleness and scorn and coldheartedness galore. without these there would be no blood no pain, but you wished it on yourself, so i’m biting you deeply, as is your liking. never will that blood be recovered, for it is a part of my memory, and i will extract it to dye the curtains and feel the heat of the sun and the noise of the earth and be free and liberated of you and your blood forever.

Jasper, my Jasper, how you possess me so. Entranced by the cool fire in your eyes, yet you do not know. Your melodic voice resonates with an ever present vibrancy that tears my flesh to pieces. Yet this secret unbeknownst to anyone will not let me be. I melt with a sorrow in my heart, for weakness knocks at my door. Come in, I beckon, for you are no stranger. And as weakness steps upon the floor, it disappears, only to bury itself in my heart. At times I yearn this curse shall pass, this torment fueled by loneliness, which ultimately, only perpetuates itself. Desperation. Solitude. Fear. Surrounded by all, yet blinded by physical presence. I only see you, Jasper. Your genuine laugh ignites in me a spark that will slowly burn out, for you will never know of me. As the moon begins to slumber, your memory of me fades. Our bond slowly dissipates, yet the cool fire in your eyes forever burns within me. My problem is you.

You.

I have so much love to offer, yet do not know how. Loneliness chokes me as I listen to your presence all around me. High, low, you are everywhere. I somewhat attempt to clear my desperate mind, yet i know that i will fail, for not only are you everywhere, you are the splinter in the casing of my glass heart, and no matter what i do, an imperfection will remain. May i pursue and let a bonnie meet her lass? Risk everything in the name of what. Love? For to love someone is the greatest gift i can ever receive. I sometimes yearn to become David, for his love was real, even though he was not.

If i may love you so, please be careful with my heart, for the glue has yet to have dried from the last time i dropped it.

I arch my back and thrust my hips forward. My exposed abdomen replies in gratitude. Air seeps in between the cracks of my sinews which creates a tense burning sensation that is oh so pleasing to my soul. My mouth is slowly pulled open by an unknown yet familiar force, and for a few seconds, my mind is clear as my body is taken over by a numbing sensation that causes my ribs to expand evermore so, on the verge of puncturing my skin. The veins in my neck pop. I feel a hand squeeze the back of my neck. I gasp as it enters me, leaving no room for creativity, as it now has complete control. I jolt, and as if being toyed with by the gods, all air escapes me, yet my eyes remain shut. My jaw, weary of the control of this force, collapses. Even though the teeth respond in a slight chatter, my lips remain parted. It has left me, and I lie in a coma-aware of all that has passed, yet unable to do anything about it. Closing my eyes, I drift off into the land of mystery and pleasure.